Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
