Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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