I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
