i was born a porn star she said
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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