I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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