I'm really into asian looking animals
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
