It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
