Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
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He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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