he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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