I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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