I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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