Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
