You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
