She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
