I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Come share oat with me in your robe
How does one acquire holy water?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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