there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
