Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
