awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
