alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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