i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
