I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize