Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
