ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
