I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
