i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
