I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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