My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
