I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.