i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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