I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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