Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
