Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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