Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
