I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
