i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My brain says no but my pants say off.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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