Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
