An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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