You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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