Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize