Will you blow on my dice?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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