Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
