my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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