mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
