Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you traded sex for a burrito?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just invented taco cereal.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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