you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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