what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
