I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
