my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
