I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Are my feet made of real feet?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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