someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
