If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
