SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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