ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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