At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
