I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
