It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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